History of Beer: A Timeline

Here is a brief overview of the world's history on the news topic of beer...from the year 4300 BC through July 2009 (it will be updated from time to time)...presented in a timeline format with associated/suggested link topics for your further research enjoyment (includes an exact date where possible):

Ancient History
Historians speculate that prehistoric nomads may have made beer from grain & water before learning to make bread. Beer became ingrained in the culture of civilizations with no significant viticulture. Noah's provisions included beer on the Ark.

4300 BC,

Babylonian clay tablets detail recipes for beer. Beer was a vital part of civilization and the Babylonian, Assyrian, Egyptian, Hebrew, Chinese, and Inca cultures. Babylonians produced beer in large quantities with around 20 varieties. Beer at this time was so valued that it was sometimes used to pay workers as part of their daily wages. Early cultures often drank beer through straws to avoid grain hulls left in the beverage. Egyptians brewed beer commercially for use by royalty served in gold goblets, medical purposes, and as a necessity to be included in burial provisions for the journey to the hereafter.

Different grains were used in different cultures:

a) Africa used millet, maize and cassava.

b) North America used persimmon although agave was used in Mexico.

c) South America used corn although sweet potatoes were used in Brazil.

d) Japan used rice to make sake.

e) China used wheat to make samshu.

f) Other Asian cultures used sorghum.

g) Russians used rye to make quass or kvass.

h) Egyptians used barley and may have cultivated it strictly for brewing as it made poor bread.

1600 BC

Egyptian texts contain 100 medical prescriptions calling for beer. If an Egyptian gentleman offered a lady a sip of his beer they were betrothed.
Early brewers used herbals like balsam, hay, dandelion, mint, and wormwood seeds, horehound juice, and even crab claws & oyster shells for flavorings. Romans brewed "cerevisia" (Ceres the goddess of agriculture & vis meaning strength in Latin).

55 BC

Roman legions introduce beer to Northern Europe.

49 BC

Caesar toasted his troops after crossing the Rubicon, which began the Roman Civil War. Before the Middle Ages brewing was left to women to make since it was considered a food as well as celebration drink.

23 BC

Chinese brewed beer called "kiu"

500-1000 AD

the first half of the Middle Ages, brewing begins to be practiced in Europe, shifting from family tradition to centralized production in monasteries and convents (hospitality for traveling pilgrims).

1000 AD
By this time Europe had about 50 monastic breweries.
Links: Beer

1671 Apr 22
King Charles II sat in on English parliament after which he gave his Royal Assent to the several Bills that were presented to him, fourteen private Acts, and eighteen public, including an act for exporting “Beer, Ale, and Mum.”
Links: Britain, Beer

1755
The annual 12-day Bergkirchweih beer festival began in Erlangen, Germany.
Links: Germany, Beer

1755
Arthur Guinness began brewing a dark-brown stout in the town of Leixlip, Ireland.
Links: Ireland, Beer

1839
Trappists monks at St. Sixtus in Belgium began brewing Westvleteren beer in order to finance construction of a new monastery.
Links: Belgium, Beer
ELearners
For online college information, or program details including accredited online history degrees please visit eLearners.com for course details.

1860
John Wagner established Nevada's longest-operating brewery in Carson City during the rush to Virginia City. The Carson Brewing Co. built a new two-story brewery in 1865 in the commercial form of Classical Revival, on the corner of Division and King streets, where it was later turned into an arts and performance center.
Links: USA, Nevada, Beer

1860
William McGillin began opened McGillin’s Olde Ale House in Philadelphia. In 2009 it celebrated its sesquicentennial.
Links: USA, Pennsylvania, Beer

1862
The first US federal tax on beer was levied to finance the Civil War.
Links: USA, Beer, Civil War (US)

1867
Jacob Leinenkugel, an immigrant from Bavaria, founded Leinenkugel Beer to supply the lumberjack community of Chippewa Falls, Wisconsin. In 1988 the family business agreed to be acquired by the Miller Brewing Co.
Links: USA, Wisconsin, Beer

1883
The Brooks and Carey Saloon opened on Mission Road, Colma, Ca. It was later renamed the Brooksville Hotel. Frank Molloy purchased the place from Patrick Brooks in 1929 and renamed it Molloy's.
Links: USA, Beer, SF Bay Area, Colma
System Renewal
Optimizing legacy applications

1884
Cassilly Adams (1843-1921), American painter, completed a 9x16 foot painting titled “Custer’s Last Fight.” It was purchased by Adolphus Busch, president of Anheuser-Busch, in 1888. Lithographs of a smaller copy of the work began to be reproduced in 1896. In 1895 Busch donated the work to the US Seventh Cavalry. It was destroyed by a fire at Fort Bliss, Texas, in 1946.
Links: Artist, USA, Beer

1888
In Chicago Louis Glunz set up shop as a wine, beer and spirits merchant at Wells and Division streets. By 2009 the Louis Glunz Beer company represented Chicago-land consumers with the largest portfolio of Micro, Specialty and Import Beers with 665 brands and 172 breweries worldwide.
Links: USA, Chicago, Wine, Beer

1890
Philippine brewer San Miguel began making beer.
Links: Philippines, Beer

1893
Charlie Wacker, director of the World's Columbian Exposition and a friend of Louis Glunz, was instrumental in making Louis a bottler of Schlitz beer for the Chicago Exposition.
Links: USA, Illinois, Chicago, Beer, Expo

1901
The US tax on a barrel of beer was reduced from $2 a barrel to $1.60.
Links: USA, Taxes, Beer
Timelines
Timelines organized by subjects.

1907
The San Francisco Brewing Company established a facility at 155 Columbus Ave, South San Francisco.
Links: USA, SF, Beer, SF Bay Area

1918 Sep
Pres. Woodrow Wilson ordered all US breweries to shut down on December 1 in order to save grain for the war effort.
Links: USA, Beer, WilsonW

1918 Dec 1
US breweries shut down due to a September directive from Pres. Wilson.
Links: USA, Beer, WilsonW

1934 Feb 20
In San Francisco a fire destroyed the recently opened Anchor Brewing Co. at 1610 Harrison St. The plant specialized in steam beer for which SF was once famous.
Links: USA, SF, Beer, Fire

1935 Jan 24
The 1st canned beer, "Krueger Cream Ale," was sold by Krueger Brewing Co. of Richmond, Va.
Links: Virginia, Beer

1939
Latrobe Brewing of Latrobe, Pa., began making Rolling Rock, a pale lager. It was later acquired by InBev SA. In 2006 Rolling Rock was acquired by Anheuser-Busch, which moved operations to Newark NJ. In 2008 Anheuser-Busch was acquired by InBev SA.
Links: USA, Pennsylvania, Beer

1955
The Old Milwaukee brand was first brewered by the Joseph Schlitz Brewing Company of Wisconsin. It was the first beer brand launched exclusively as a “popular” beer.
Links: USA, Wisconsin, Beer

1959 Jan 22
The Adolph Coors Co. of Golden, Colombia, introduced the aluminum beer can.
Links: USA, Colorado, Beer

1959
The West End Brewing Co., producers of Utica Club Beer, began running TV commercials in the Northeast US. The ad campaign included the Schultz and Dooley ceramic mugs based on the ad characters.
Links: USA, New York, Beer

1967
Gablinger’s beer, named after Swiss chemist Hersch Gablinger, was launched by Rheingold Breweries. Joseph Owades (1919-2005, brewmaster, developed the process to remove starch from beer and gave the formula to Meister Brau. The product failed but Meister Brau was sold to Miller Brewing. Miller successfully marketed the beer as Miller Lite.
Links: USA, Beer

1969
Fritz Maytag bought out Laurence Steese and took over the Anchor Brewing Co.
Links: USA, SF, Beer

1971
1988 Peter Bronfman (1929-1996) and his brother Edward Bronfman co-owned the Montreal Canadiens hockey team. Their uncle, Samuel, was the founder of the liquor company, Seagram Co. Ltd. The brothers acquired holdings in Brascan Ltd., a property mgmt. company, Noranda Inc., a natural resource company, and John Labatt Ltd., one of Canada’s 2 biggest brewers.
Links: Canada, Hockey, Beer, Liquor

1973
The SF pub Liverpool Lil’s began operating at 2942 Lyon St.
Links: USA, SF, Beer

1973
The Albion Brewery was declared a SF historical landmark.
Links: USA, SF, Beer

1974 Jun 4
Ten Cent Beer Night was an ill-fated promotion held by the American League's Cleveland Indians during a game against the Texas Rangers at Cleveland Municipal Stadium.
Links: USA, Ohio, Baseball, Beer

1979 Feb 1
US Pres. Jimmy Carter legalized home brewing.
Links: USA, Beer, CarterJ

1980 Sep 26
A bomb attack at the Oktoberfest in Munich killed 13 people.
Links: Germany, Beer

1982 Jun 10
The Jos. Schlitz Brewing Company and the Old Milwaukee brand was acquired by Stroh Brewing Company of Detroit. The Old Milwaukee brand was first brewered by the Joseph Schlitz Brewing Company.
Links: USA, Michigan, Wisconsin, Beer

1983 Nov 9
Alfred Heineken, beer brewer from Amsterdam, was kidnapped and held for a ransom of more than $10 million. Heineken was freed Nov 30. Cor van Houton, the kidnapper, was shot to death in 2003.
Links: Netherlands, Beer

1983 Nov 30
Police freed kidnapped beer magnate Alfred Heineken in Amsterdam.
Links: Netherlands, Beer

1983
The Mendocino Brewing Co. became the 1st Brewpub in California and only the 2nd in the nation to open since Prohibition.
Links: USA, California, Beer

1984
The Reagan administration, spurred by Mothers Against Drunk Driving (MADD) ordered US states to raise their drinking age to 21 or lose 10% of their federal highway funds.
Links: USA, Beer, Liquor, ReaganR

1986 Feb
Eduardo Cojuangco (b.1935), aka Danding and crony capitalist to Pres. Marcos, fled the Philippines. Cojuango had acquired a controlling stake in San Miguel beer using public funds deposited in a bank that he controlled. In 1999 Mr. Cojuango regained his position as head of the board of San Miguel even pending litigation for 'ill-gotten wealth."
Links: Philippines, Beer

1989 Aug 24
British brewery Bass bought the Holiday Inn hotel chain.
Links: Britain, M&A, Beer

1992
In Finland the Wife Carrying contest was initiated to revive a 200 year old tradition from when Ronkainen the Robber tested aspiring members of his gang by making them carry huge sacks on their backs through an obstacle course. Cash prizes and the wife’s weight in beer was awarded to the winners.
Links: Finland, Women, Beer, Sociology, Games

1993
In Germany the Reinheitsgebot law of 1516 was relaxed to allow foreign brewers to sell their beer in Germany.
Links: Germany, Beer

1993
In Tanzania in a privatization drive part of the government stake in Safari beer was sold to a South African company.
Links: South Africa, Tanzania, Beer

1994
South African Breweries (SAB) moved into the China market.
Links: China, South Africa, Beer

1995
Anheuser-Busch Cos. bought the largest brewer in central China and began selling Budweiser in major Chinese cities.
Links: USA, China, Beer

1996 Aug 27
In Indianapolis 4 police officers engaged in a fight outside the city’s Circle Center mall. They were off duty and had just consumed a large amount of beer in the city’s luxury suite at a ball game. They were later tried for battery, disorderly conduct and public intoxication but the 1997 trial ended in a hung jury.
Links: Baseball, Beer, Indiana

1996
In Germany low-tetrahydrocannabinol hemp was made legal and quickly became a fast-growing cash crop. A young Berlin brewer began to add its flowering buds to his beer in violation of the 1516 Reinheitsgebot law on beer ingredients.
Links: Germany, Beer, Agriculture

1997 Feb
Ahmed Zayat, an Egyptian American, took over the Al Ahram Beverages Co. and began to build a state-of-the-art brewery to produce Egyptian Stella and Danish Carlsberg Beer.
Links: Egypt, Beer

1997 Jul 16
Jerold Mackenzie was awarded $26.6M for being fired from Miller Brewing in 1993 for sexual harassment for relaying a Seinfeld episode to a co-worker. Higher courts later threw the entire award out. In 2003 Mackenzie accepted an out-of-court settlement for $625,000.
Links: TV, Beer, Lawsuit

1998 May 2
Police fired tear gas into a crowd of 3,000 students at Michigan State Univ. who were protesting the end of drinking at Munn Field.
Links: Michigan, Beer

1998 Dec 26
President Clinton, in his weekly radio address, urged Congress to lower the blood-alcohol limit for drunken driving nationwide to 0.08 percent to conform with 17 states and the District of Columbia. The other 33 states have 0.10.
Links: USA, Wine, Beer, Liquor, ClintonB
System Renewal

1998
Anheuser Busch paid an estimated $80 million for exclusive alcohol rights to the 2002 and 2006 soccer World Cup tournaments. In 2000 Germany was selected as the host for the 2006 tournament and German fans became furious over the prospect of drinking Budweiser at the tournament.
Links: USA, Germany, Beer, Soccer

2000 Jun 1
Stores across Japan emptied beer vending machines to comply with a voluntary ban on beer vending to help reduce alcoholism.
Links: Japan, Beer

2000 Aug 28
Foster’s Brewing of Australia reported a deal to buy the California Beringer winery for some $1.5 billion.
Links: Australia, Wine, Beer

2001
The Firestone Walker brewery relocated from Santa Barbara, Ca., to Paso Robles. The brewers fermented their ales in used wine barrels.
Links: USA, California, Beer

2002 Jan 3
Alfred Henry Heineken (78), builder of a global beer brand, died in the Netherlands. Freddie designed the green bottle and logo. In 1983 he was abducted for weeks and released unharmed.
Links: Netherlands, Beer

2002 Dec
In Uganda Nile Breweries, owned by SABMiller began selling a new kind of clear lager-like beer called Eagle. Industrial enzymes were used to convert starches in sorghum to sugars. It sold well and expanded to other countries in the region.
Links: Uganda, Beer

2002
China surpassed the US to become the world's largest beer market by volume.
Links: China, Beer

2002
South African Breweries bought America’s Miller Brewing for $5.6 billion.
Links: USA, South Africa, Beer

2003 Feb 20
The Station, a Warwick, Rhode Island, nightclub erupted in a raging fire during a pyrotechnics display at a rock concert, 98 people were killed and 200 others injured. Flammable soundproofing was later blamed. In Feb, 2006, Dan Biechele, manager of the band, pleaded guilty to 100 counts of manslaughter in exchange for up to 10 years in prison. He was sentenced to 4 years in prison. In 2008 Anheuser-Busch and a Rhode Island beer distributor agreed to pay $21 million to settle lawsuits brought by survivors of the fire.
Links: USA, Pop&Rock, Beer, Fire, Lawsuit, Rhode Island

2004 Jan 9
The German Neuzeller Kloster Brewery announced plans to introduce its "Anti-Aging-Bier" this year and sell it in grocery and drug stores.
Links: Germany, Beer

2004 Feb 28
In Finland hundreds of trucks prepared to roll onto frozen roads at midnight, stocked with beer and hard cider for a population that eagerly awaits a historic government measure that will cut alcohol prices by nearly 40 percent.
Links: Finland, Beer

2004 Apr 16
After analyzing 730 confirmed cases of gout from among a group of 47,000 men over 12 years, London researchers demonstrated that drinkers are more likely to get gout, and that beer is worse and wine is best. Gout is caused by deposits of crystals of a chemical called uric acid in joints. Alcohol consumption leads to "hyperuricaemia" -- when the body produces too much uric acid.
Links: Britain, Medical, Chemistry, Biology, Beer

2004 Apr 19
Researchers reported in the Annals of Internal Medicine that fairly heavy alcohol consumption appears to moderately increase the risk of cancer in the colon and rectum.
Links: Medical, Wine, Beer, Liquor

2004 May 5
British-based SABMiller launched an unsolicited HK$4.3 billion ($550m) bid for Harbin Brewery, China’s 4th largest brewer.
Links: Britain, China, M&A, Beer

2004 Jun 1
Anheuser-Busch offered HK$5.58 per share for China’s Harbin Brewery Group Ltd. 2 days later SABMiller withdrew its HK$4.30 offer.
Links: China, Beer

2004 Jul 3
Two Estonian students clinched the country's seventh straight wife-carrying world championship on Saturday, winning the "wife's" weight in beer and a sauna.
Links: Estonia, Beer

2004 Aug 27
It was reported that SABMiller was investing $82.2 million to build a brewery in Dongguan, Guangdong province, China.
Links: China, Beer

2004 Aug
An $11 billion merger between Belgium’s Interbrew and Brazil’s largest brewer AmBev formed InBev.
Links: Belgium, Brazil, Beer

2004 Sep 18
Munich's mayor opened the southern city's 171st Oktoberfest festival for a crowd of some 500,000.
Links: Germany, Beer

2004
Billy Gaines and Duncan Carrroll, graduates of Carnegie Mellon Univ., developed a Web site called bpong.com along with a multiplayer online beer-pong game. Beer pong had gained popularity on college campuses in the 1990s.
Links: USA, Internet, Beer, Games

2005 Feb 7
In England and Wales new laws came into effect that allow pubs, clubs and other drinking venues to apply to stay open 24 hours a day.
Links: Britain, Wales, Beer

2005 Apr 4
In Canada Edward Bronfman, Canadian businessman, died. Bronfman and his brother, Peter, built Edper Investments Ltd. into a business with interests ranging from forestry and mining to banking, beer and hockey to form the core of what is today Brascan Corp.
Links: Canada, Beer

2005 Jul 19
British firm SABMiller announced a $7.8 billion purchase of Grupo Empresarial Bavaria, South America’s 2nd largest brewer. The Santo Domingo family of Colombia were Bavaria;s controlling shareholders.
Links: Colombia, Britain, Beer

2005 Jul 27
It was reported that some Chinese beer makers used small quatities of formaldehyde to improve color and prevent sediment from forming during storage. Major producers said they did not use the additive. The practice was abandoned in the West.
Links: China, Beer

2005 Sep 17
Germany’s 172nd Oktoberfest opened and will run to Oct 3.
Links: Germany, Beer

2005 Oct 3
Munich's two-week Oktoberfest drew to a close, and organizers said more people visited this year but they drank less beer than in 2004.
Links: Germany, Beer

2005 Nov 23
In Britain and Wales the early pub closing times, that had governed drinking in Britain since their introduction during World War I, were set to end at midnight. The laws had required most pubs to close at 11 p.m. Monday to Saturday and 10:30 p.m. on Sundays. New rules allowed pubs, bars, shops, restaurants and clubs to apply to open any hours they like, although each license must be approved by local authorities.
Links: Britain, Wales, Wine, Beer, Liquor

2005
Vijay Mallya (27) inherited the UB Group of India when his father, Vittal Mallya, died of a heart attack. Sales for UB then grew from $100 million to $1.6 billion in 2003. Import duties on foreign liquor of up to 550% protected his business.
Links: India, Beer, Liquor

2005
In Laos the state-owned enterprise Beerlao, which traces its origins to French colonial times, added dark brew and a light beer to its regular lager this year and went into a 50-50 joint venture with Denmark's Carlsberg Breweries, the world's No. 5 beer-maker.
Links: Laos, Beer

2006 Jan 23
Belgian brewer InBev NV, the world's largest brewery by volume, said it has agreed to buy the largest brewer in China's Fujian province for 614 million euros ($740 million).
Links: Belgium, China, Beer

2006
Maureen Ogle authored “Ambitious Brew: The Story of American Beer.”
Links: USA, Beer, Books

2007 May 28
Britain’s public health minister said beer, wine and hard liquor packaging in Britain will carry warning labels next year detailing how many units of alcohol each drink contains as well as recommended safe drinking levels.
Links: Britain, Wine, Beer, Liquor

2007 Jul 31
A new study reported that drinking wine or beer every day increases the risk of bowel cancer. The British Daily Telegraph reported 35,000 people are diagnosed each year with bowel cancer and that it kills 16,100 a year.
Links: Canada, Medical, Wine, Beer

2007 Aug 30
Michael Jackson (65), a leading world beer critic, died in London. He praised the brews of Belgium and his books "The Great Beers of Belgium" and "World Guide to Beer" introduced them to many export markets, including the United States.
Links: Belgium, Britain, Beer

2007 Oct 9
Brewers SABMiller and Molson Coors Brewing said they have agreed to combine their US operations to create a business that will have annual sales of $6.6 billion and be the second-biggest market player behind Anheuser-Busch.
Links: Canada, USA, Beer

2008 Jan 25
Scottish & Newcastle, the UK's largest brewer, announced it has agreed to be bought by Carlsberg and Heineken, for around 7.6 billion pounds.
Links: Britain, M&A, Beer

2008 Jun 9
Budweiser, US beer brewer, announced that it would go on sale in Vietnam.
Links: USA, Vietnam, Beer

2008 Jun 11
InBev, the Belgian-Brazilian brewing giant, offered $46 billion, or 65 dollars a share, in cash for Anheuser-Busch in a bid to create an unrivaled global brewing giant.
Links: Belgium, Brazil, USA, Beer

2008 Jul 13
Belgian-based brewer InBev announced it will buy Anheuser-Busch for $52 billion.
Links: Belgium, USA, Missouri, M&A, Beer

2008 Nov 18
Belgian brewing giant InBev announced it had completed the takeover of Anheuser-Busch to create the world's biggest brewer. Beijing agreed to Belgium-based InBev SA's takeover of Anheuser-Busch Cos. Inc.'s Chinese operations as part of their global merger, but limited future acquisitions on anti-monopoly grounds.
Links: Belgium, USA, China, Beer

2009 Mar 9
French lawmakers passed an amendment to ban the sale of alcohol to teens under 18, part of an effort to tackle the rise of binge drinking in a country known for a relaxed attitude toward a little libation.
Links: France, Wine, Beer, Liquor

2009 Jul 1
Utah ditched a 40-year-old requirement for bar customers to fill out applications and pay a fee to become a member of a private club before entering a bar.
Links: USA, Utah, Beer, Liquor

2009 Jul 20
In Malaysia Kartika Sari Dewi Shukarno (32), Muslim woman, was sentenced to six lashes and a fine of 5,000 ringgit ($1,400) for having a beer in a nightclub. She would become the first woman in Malaysia to be given the punishment under Islamic law.
Links: Malaysia, Women, Beer, Sociology

(source:timelinesdb.com)

Top 10 Chinese Beers

The Market Shares of China’s Top 10 Beer Brands are listed below...In its seventh consecutive year occupying the number one spot in world beer sales, China is home to more than 300 breweries and more than 1500 beer brands...of these 300 breweries, only 20% of them are turning profits, while 32% are hovering around the breakeven point. The three giants leading China’s pack of domestic brewers are Tsingtao, Huaran Snow, and Yanjing. The top 10 beer brands account for 60.5% of the total market:

Rank / Beer Brand / Market Share (2008)

1 / Huarun Snow Beer / 17.79%

2 / Tsingtao Beer / 13.24%

3 / Yanjing Beer / 10.29%

4 / Henan Kingstar Beer / 4.51%

5 / Chongqing Beer / 4.30%

6 / Sedrin Beer / 3.16%

7 / Guangzhou Zhujiang Beer / 2.90%

8 / Kingway Beer / 1.54%

9 / Suntory Beer / 1.51%

10 / Wuhan Budweiser Beer / 1.26%

Click here for a list of China Beer Festivals for 2009

(Source: cnwinenews.com)

Beer Snobbery "The Subtle Art"

As I was surfing the internet the other night on info about one of my favorite entertainment personalities, Jackie Gleason ("The Great One...gifted us with the notion that life is to be lived, and to live it fully you have to take risks. A lot of risks. “A safe life isn’t a life at all,” Jackie noted. “Too many people seem to be saving themselves for their wake.”"), I came across some articles of him on a website named ModernDrunkardMagazine.com ("standing up for your right to get falling down drunk since 1996"). There was an article in there regarding beer snobbery in America and being the aggregate-study-of-beer-blog this is, I thought it might behoove us all to be a little more enlightened on the subject. So here is what the editor of the site, Frank Kelly Rich, had to say on the topic of the art of beer snobbery in the U.S.:

"While wine snobs have blighted the earth for thousands of years (you can bet there was at least one guy curling his lip at the vintage of Jesus’ first and best miracle), Beer Snobbery is a relatively young art, especially in the U.S.

This is because every beer in the country once tasted exactly the same. Oh sure, there were Bud lovers and MGD aficionados who would swear they could tell the difference, but if you gave them a blind taste test, you’d soon discover they’d just keep asking for another “test taste” until there wasn’t any beer left and they were passed out on your sofa.

Furthermore, beer was considered the balm of the common man, it was not something you swirled in a glass and judged by its “nose.” It was something you swilled from a plastic cup and sometimes shot through your nose.

Then the microbrewery revolution swept the country and soon every abandoned firehouse, bank and shoe factory was outfitted with a vat and turning out every possible form and flavor of beer you could imagine, and some you would rather not.

It was perfectly natural then, with so many different beers to choose from, that a learned cadre of beer experts would appear to explain to the unsophisticated masses what is “good beer” and what “has the nose and character of a harbor-town harlot with a penchant for walking into walls caked with manure.” Thus arrived the beer snob.



Beer Vs. Wine Snobbery

Beer snobbery is less dangerous.
While wine snobs have been around long enough to be nearly universally despised and even hunted for sport in certain parts of the South, beer snobs are so new they’re considered by the general public to be as harmless as those people who carve elaborate sculptures out of Spam—someone to be viewed more with bemusement than with the scope of a high-powered rifle.

The dress is casual.
Wine snobs have a strict dress code involving turtlenecks, glasses designed to sit on the end of one's nose and silk scarves, but a beer snob can pretty much dress anyway he likes. Aside from the snooty expression, a typical beer snob is nearly indistinguishable from your least favorite brother-in-law.

The position doesn’t require a sensitive palate.
In fact, a too-sensitive palate just gets in the way. If a beer snob’s mind is busy trying to decipher a vast array of signals from his tongue, it becomes very difficult for him to think up a clever way to insult a fellow beer snob’s tie.

You don’t need to know what the hell you’re talking about.
The fact of the matter is, no one really knows how to tell a good beer from a bad one. The prestigious Beerophile Digest, for example, will declare McChumley’s Mauled Herring Ale to be “a delightful triumph of art and nature right up there with the pulsating shower head” while the brash Xtreme Brewski Review will assert the same ale to be “the sort of crap drank by hoity-toities who take lots of showers and stuff.”

You don’t have to learn a foreign language.
While a wine snob is expected to speak enough French to enrage a Frenchman, the beer snob only needs to speak enough English to infuriate an Englishman, which only requires slurring, “Hey you remember when we saved your butts from the Germans back in Dubya Dubya Two? Remember that?”

The terminology is simple and straightforward.
For example, the guy who pours the beer is a bartender and not some snooty guy whose title looks suspiciously similar to smellier but is actually pronounced like the cry of a gardener pleasantly surprised while trying to explain the holes in your lawn: “Some mole—yay!”

Enthusiasm and relish are more important than experience and research.
When it comes to rating beers, you don’t need to be able to identify the vintage or know which field the hops were grown in. This would just confuse you. Neither do you need to attend mundane festivals, read a bunch of dreary books or even sample a lot of different beers. All you need is a big helping of enthusiasm and relish, and by that I mean sarcasm and snootiness.



The Wide World of Beers

When you were a teenager you probably thought all beers were just called “beer” or maybe “brewski” if you were feeling technical. But as a beer snob you should be aware that there are many subcategories of beers, in the same way that certain dogs are called “Cocker Spaniels” and “Rat Terriers,” and some large rats are called “Chihuahuas.”

ale: some purists will tell you this English brew is not really beer at all, but these are the same type of people who will tell you that drinking a case of beer in the company of your dog is not a “kick-ass time.”

bitter: this hoppy English stalwart is a favorite among elderly men who smoke pipes, carry change purses and will insist that Field Marshal Rommel was “indeed crafty as a fox, but no match for this cunning English bulldog.”

bock: this German beer is named for the billy goat, because, just like a billy goat, it’s lively, strong and smells like a billy goat.

doppelbock: German for double billy goat. You get the idea.

export: this is a type of beer so awful the locals refuse to drink it, so the brewery ships it off to foreigners who don’t know any better.

fruit: these flavored beers were introduced to appeal to women and certain men who get very defensive when you inform them they are plainly homosexual.

lager: there are those who like to say this light, golden beer is served cold so as to distinguish it from urine, but the truth of the matter is urine also has a much better head.

malt liquor: some will argue this is not beer at all, but let me tell you something: if it tastes like a duck, smells like a duck and makes you walk like a duck, it is probably malt liquor.

porter: this strong beer was named for the rugged laborers who made it popular in Old England and would quite frankly drink billy goat sweat if it got them drunk.

stout: these dark, rich beers are called such because after drinking a dozen of them you will feel stout enough to wrestle all four of the cops by yourself.

trappist: this type of ale is brewed by monks noted for their skill at trapping tourists in their monastery’s overpriced gift shops. They changed their name from trapper to trappist in 1816 when they realized they spoke French and thus needed a fancier title.



The Three Prime Rules of Judging a Beer

1.) Use the proper terminology
Thirty years ago the only terms you needed to express a beer’s character were “tastes great” and “less filling.” The microbrew explosion, however, made it necessary to invent literally hundreds of new adjectives to explain how great or non-filling a beer truly is. Fortunately, you won’t have to memorize most of them because most are fake words that drunk beer experts made up on the spot and probably winced at when they saw them in print later. What else can explain why grown men are using words like Chlorophenolic, Balling Degrees, Sparge and Kräusening to describe something that can be purchased in the form of a Party Ball?

Brewmaster: So, what do you think of our delicious new Squashed Sulfur Beetle Stout?

Drunk Beer Expert: S’at what this is? Thought I axidenally drank from the bar’s fuckin’ soap bucket.

Brewmaster: What was that?

Drunk Beer Expert: I said I really dig its barzfookanzope bouquet.

Brewmaster: Oh! And that’s a good thing, right?

Drunk Beer Expert: Kiddin’ me? Barzfookanzope is Upper Bavarian for chlorophenolic!

Brewmaster: Oh! And that’s a good thing, right?

In fact, the only terms you really need to know are nutty, worty, fruity, hoppy, grainy, mouthy, sulpheristical, pine-needley, and bodacious. What do they mean? No one knows for sure. The important thing it to use as many of them as possible when you rate a beer. For example, you should never just say, “This beer is worty.” Instead you should say, “I find the wortiness of this beer fruity yet mouthy, with pine-needley undertones of sulpheristicallity, bodaciousamentally speaking.”

2.) Employ all of your senses.
If you taste a beer and think, “Gee, that tastes good,” do not say so. Use every pretentious bone in your body to resist even the slightest sign of enjoyment. Just because a beer tastes good does not mean it is good. You must bring into play your other four senses to make a proper judgement.

Sight: Look at the beer’s label. If you can see little gold medals, describe the beer as “a shining avatar lesser beers aspire to.” Do you see foreign words? If they look European, call the beer a “traditional, old-country stalwart.” If the words look like the symbols used in the funny pages in place of curse words, label the beer “an exotic wayfarer with delightful stories to tell.” If the label has a singing fish, dancing moose or any other sort of animal doing something an animal does not normally do, call it “a brash upstart with a lot to prove.”

Sound: Have you heard anyone else talking about the beer? If you have, try to cover your bases by incorporating as many of these opinions into your judgement as possible: “Yes, it’s the one in the green bottle, but on the other hand, it goes for six bucks a sixer at the Liquorama up on Fifth Street, right across the street from the Conoco Station with the hot chick working the register.”

Feel: Do you feel the brewery rep standing nearby will reward a good rating with free stuff? If so, upgrade your evaluation according to how much free stuff you think you might get. Thus, a merely decent beer may become “a mind-boggling triumph,” a bad one transforms into “a powerful new statement” and something that could pass as window cleaner ascends to “a real up and comer.” You don’t have to tell the rep it will be “up and coming” the next time you visit the rest room.

Smell: Does the beer smell foreign, or, in beer expert parlance, skunky? Foreigness is a good thing because foreign countries are farther away and the farther away a brewery is the better the beer tastes. Especially if says Export on the label, because foreigners don’t want to embarrass their country and thus only export the really good stuff.

3.) When in doubt, speak in tongues.
To express an unqualified opinion of a beer is akin to waving a big flag at the enemy, so they know exactly where to shoot. If you are unsure about the quality of a beer because you can’t see the label and are not sure if the rep is going to give you free stuff, you have to deliver an opinion so obtuse onlookers won’t know if you’re complimenting the beer or plan on using it to poison the rats in your cellar.

Instead of saying, “I guess it’s sorta okay,” you should say: “Seems its pompitude has been finely demastered in a congenial sort of way, yet its essence disambiguates the fustification of its mischarateristics to the degree I wonder about the referentialability of the primal dewortnicity, if I may paraphrase famed beer critic Baron Von Troutenmyer.”

It’s hard to disagree with a man you can’t understand, though they might try. If a competing beer snob tries to draw you out from behind your brilliant smokescreen by saying, “Hate to disagree, but I think the dewortitude terrifically interpolative and fusticating with character,” glower at him for an instant and say in a very stiff tone, “Funny, I could have swore I just said that.”

Another safe tactic is to compare the beer with one that doesn’t actually exist. Because the beer ranks swell every week, even the most knowledgeable of beer experts won’t call you out, for fear of appearing “out of the loop.” So instead actually stating an opinion of a beer, say it is “a lot like The Abandoned Shoe Factory Brewery’s new Soothsucker Pine Sap Ale, in the sense that they’re completely different.”



Types of Beer Snobs

Deciding you want to be a beer snob is not enough. You also have to decide what sort of beer snob you want to be.

The Beer Fuehrer
This curmudgeonly gentlemen will declare he would rather guzzle urine than drink what he considers “bad beer.” And by bad he means any beer that comes in a can, has commercials on television, or has been heard of by more than fifty people. He can only pity the poor fools who sit in bars drinking the swill disgorged by the vast corporate vats, when they could be drinking swill produced in much smaller ones.

The Hops Head
The power-crazed Dr. Frankenstein of beer snobs, this wretched soul has descended so deeply into the pit of snobbery he has convinced himself that the vile liquid (he will call it something akin to Super Duper Black Cherry Berry Power Porter) he concocted in his basement is not only non-poisoness, but superior to the stuff it took monks 50 generations to perfect. One caveat: the longer and more grandiose the title of his obscene creation, the more likely it will be good for poisoning the rats in your cellar.

The Beer Geek
The beer world equivalent of a Trekkie, this fan is forever making pilgrimages to far flung festivals and conventions, will belong to any number of beer associations (and wears the T-shirts to prove it) and has never had sex with a woman where there wasn’t money involved. Beards are common and they have a powerful fetish for steins.

The Beer Lover
These are the Rex Reeds of the beer snob community. They have never met a beer that was not “gorgeously fabulous” or “fabulously gorgeous.” The closest they ever come to a bad review is when they mistake the glass of water used to clear the palate for beer, and even then they’ll give it three stars and declare it “a promising new light lager worth keeping your eye on.”

Interacting with Other Beer Snobs
While it’s perfectly fine and extremely pleasurable to rabidly denounce whatever swill your non-beer snob acquaintances are slopping down their gauche gullets, you must carefully weigh each word when amongst your own.

You will probably meet them at a beer club meeting. Beer snobs are generally very eager to form beer clubs, partly to discuss new beers, but mostly because their regular friends won’t drink with them any more.

At these meetings members are expected to present their “discoveries.” A discovery is an exciting new beer you introduce to your fellow beer snobs. If a fellow beer snob introduces a new beer to you, however, it is not called a discovery. It is called a travesty.

When judging another fellow’s travesty, don’t worry about the taste so much as to where the fellow is situated on the Beer Snob Ladder. Those above you should be treated with grudging deference. Those below are to be condescended to in the manner of a weary yet indulgent grown-up patting the head of a simple-minded yet well-meaning mongoloid child eager to show off yet another shiny and utterly worthless object that caught one of his unattractively bulging eyes.

You should save your vast stores of vitriol for those sharing the same rung as you, for you cannot ascend the ladder unless you plant a foot firmly upon their credibility.

When one of your rung mates foolishly encourages you to try one of his new travesties, smile agreeably, take a sip, then act as if a bug just flew into your mouth. After letting your dismay register with the club, turn your head discreetly and spit into your handkerchief. Subtlety is key. Do not behave as if the bug is a giant dung beetle, but rather a common housefly that has spent the day joyfully wallowing in billy goat manure. Deliver the coup de grace by muttering, “Well, that was certainly interesting.” In the parlance of the beer snob, interesting roughly translates into “One large step below Satan’s venereal urine.”

When it’s your turn to present a discovery, be keenly aware the act is the beer snob equivalent of wagging your testicles between the bars of the Mongoose Cage at feeding time. Rivals will do their level best to defame and discredit you, which is why you must immediately distance yourself as far from your discovery as possible. Act as if it were a hideously deformed orphan you found wandering the streets and, out of the goodness of your heart, are just trying to make a few introductions so it can possibly secure a future position as grave digger or bell ringer. Make sure you damn it to the degree that any response at all will seem unmitigated praise. Then, once you get a fingerhold, start suggesting that your orphan might not only be suitable for a grave digger position, but the head grave digger position.

You: “Don’t be alarmed. It may seem a horrid wretch, but given a chance it might just reveal itself as being merely disgusting.”

Rival Beer Snob: “Well, you’re dead on about its horridly disgusting wretchedness, but I once ate a large beetle that tasted only slightly better.”

You: “Funny you should say that! Because noted beer expert Sir Edward Edwardsbottom declared this very beer to have the potential of an especially large and ambitious dung beetle.”

Rival Beer Snob: “Dung beetle, yes, that makes sense, I—"

You: “Do you really think it that ambitious and promising? I must say, there is something rather large and bombastic about it. Why, you’ve given me a new appreciation of this bold brew. Though perhaps not as enthusiastic as you, I think it may be a real up and comer!”"

Greatest Beer Ads - Beer Goggles

Here is a comedic ad for Tuborg Beer...according to them women get more attractive with each additional brew:

Greatest Beer Ads - Pure Blonde Beer

Ads for Pure Blonde Beer...didn't even know it existed!!!:

Greatest Beers Ads - The Most Interesting Man In The World

So whenever you see these ads run on TV guys for "The Most Interesting Man In The World"...how many of you wish it were you they were talking about? Imagine and enjoy...as the girls say...this ad campaign was designed for men:

"Introduction"


"MostInteresting(the first one)"

"Chicken"


"Careers"


"Life"


"PickupLines"


"Narcolepsy"